On Larry Vaughan, the fictional mayor of Amityville:
The real hero of Jaws is the mayor... A gigantic fish is eating your constituents and he decides to keep the beach open. OK, in that instance he was wrong, but in principle we need more politicians like the mayor.
refusal to give way to hysteria... rationality
On the week he spent as a management consultant:
Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix, and stay conscious.
On missing deadlines:
Dark forces dragged me away from the keyboard, swirling forces of irrestistible intensity and power.
Answering a mobile phone call while recording Have I Got News For You:
I can't speak now, I'm on television at the moment.
On bicycle thefts:
decoy bicycles throught Islington and send Navy Seals in through the windows of thieves.
On Papua New Guinea:
For 10 years we in the Tory Party have become used to Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing, and so it is with a happy amazement that we watch as the madness engulfs the Labour Party.
I would like to thank the High Commissioner very much for her clarification, I meant no insult to the people of Papua New Guinea who I'm sure lead lives of blameless bourgeois domesticity in common with the rest of us.
My remarks were inspired by a Time Life book I have which does indeed show relatively recent photos of Papua New Guinean tribes engaged in warfare, and I'm fairly certain that cannibalism was involved.
add Papua New Guinea to my global itinerary of apology
On Jamie Oliver's quest for healthier school dinners:
I say let people eat what they like. Why shouldn't they push pies through the railings? I would ban sweets from school - but this pressure to bring in healthy food is too much.
Here we are, in one of the most depressed towns in Southern England, a place that is arguably too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs.
On computer games:
Some children have it bad. Some are miraculously unaffected. But millions of seven- to 15-year-olds are hooked, especially boys, and it is time someone had the guts to stand up, cross the room and just say no to Nintendo. It is time to garrotte the Game Boy and paralyse the PlayStation, and it is about time, as a society, that we admitted the catastrophic effect these blasted gizmos are having on the literacy and the prospects of young males.
We get on with our hedonistic 21st-century lives while in some other room the nippers are bleeping and zapping in speechless rapture, their passive faces washed in explosions and gore. They sit for so long that their souls seem to have been sucked down the cathode ray tube.